The Authentic Apology

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Recently we were asked our opinions on what we do after we totally screw up as a parent.

When we do those things that we wish we hadn't, say the things we wish we didn’t say, or do the things that may have hurt our children.

We discovered that what do is some form of the authentic apology.

First, we want to be clear that we are operating under the assumption that it is healthy to admit your mistakes to your children, to be seen as less than perfect by them (not that a perfect parent exists). That you don’t need to be seen as the superior person or that you need to gloss over your mistakes or rectify them away from your children. We suggest being authentic in their presence.

The Authentic Apology- We both do this every day in our parenting, no one is perfect and we all have times we can use this. We have moments where we lose our cool, when we yell, when we do something that is really out of alignment with who we want to be as a mother, and how we want to be showing up.

At some point, we reconnect with ourselves, we come back into awareness and realise how we have been behaving. We realise it isn’t how we wanted to and we feel the disconnection between us and our child.  That's where the authentic apology can be really helpful.

And so, what's the purpose of an authentic apology?

One purpose is to own your own side of it. To own your own shit in the experience and to fully claim that what you did wrong, and what you’re not okay with in yourself.

The authentic apology is also a vehicle to reconnect. To re-create that strong bond you share with your child, and to mitigate any damage that might have occurred in the process.

It is also a way to create closure. When you come to your child and fully own your part in the interaction- without casting blame on yourself or on them (rather, taking responsibility), you create closure. Rather than lingering with "Oh, I'm such a bad mother," and continuing to apologise from that place and drawing the dynamic out longer than it needs to. Or lingering with frustration and resentment towards them, without really taking responsibility for your part in it.

It is empowering to not let your guilt or anger drag on and on and on. When you do let it drag on and on and on, you’ll keep half apologising, or cryptically letting them know you’re angry. You’ll express it in the ways you act or hesitate without being forthright about it. This creates a dynamic in your relationship that can really perpetuate itself, a dynamic that feels disempowering, inauthentic and stressful (and your children can take it and run with it too). Instead, with the authentic apology you are standing in your love and your power and you are creating a clear and closed chapter on that dynamic.

With an authentic apology you are also modelling responsibility. You are modelling the ability to respond and own your own part in the dynamic without giving in to the desire to then lecture or blame them (or yourself). It is such a powerful example for your children, reminding them to own their part in any conflict, no matter what the other person does.

There's a strong tendency in all of us to add a "but" or "because” AND there is so much power in choosing to own your part and then let it go. Being 100% responsible for your part in the dynamic without needing them to do the same (ironically they are then more likely to own their part).

Okay, so the 'doing' part of the apology is not at all difficult when you get down to it. It may seem obvious, but it's those obvious things that we all need to remember.

And sometimes it can be hard to remember, especially when you're new to the practice.

On my disconnected days, or those days when it all seems too hard, I may make an authentic apology two or three times in the day, sometimes more. This is a great practice to do as much as is necessary. As often as it comes up, and whenever you feel inspired to do it.
1) You've probably already taken the time to get clear on your core values as a mother, and if you haven't, do that first (here’s another episode on doing that). This is about connecting with those fundamental values you hold around your relationships with your children, what's deeply important to you. Reconnect with those values, feel the power of them.

2) Own your part. Own everything that was your part in the situation without using a "but" or a "because". No justification, just your side of it. Without wanting to explain their side to them. Speak your truth, using ‘I’ statements- I am sorry, I feel, I want, I chose, I did, I now choose.

For example, my children (Kaya’s children) were recently having an argument, and it was driving me crazy really. I got drawn into it, I became a part of it, I added my drama to it and yelled at them, and said things that I really don't want to say when I'm in alignment with my values.

Afterwards, when I chose to apologise and shift my relationship with them and their argument, I was still feeling annoyed at the ways they handled the situation and there was a part of me that really wanted to add a ‘but’. Instead I made a commitment to take 100% responsibility and let them take their own responsibility themselves.

My authentic apology went something like this-

"So I was, and I still am feeling a bit frustrated and angry about that whole dynamic. But I'm really sorry about my part in it, I’m sorry for what I said to you guys, and how I said it. It didn't help the situation, and I'm really sorry about how it affected you, and affected our relationship”

And then I stopped.

There's often a compulsion in me to go-

"But, you know,"

or "And you know,"

or "Because this is what happened"

and rehash the situation, remind them of it, lecture them about it and especially, explain how they could've done it differently.

But I just stopped, and let it go, and left it there.

Don't add anything else. Just claim and own your own part in the dynamic.

Just take a breath and let them receive that.

Really gift them with the experience of you owning your part without an expectation that they need to own their part too AND without loading your apology up with guilt, remorse and blame (not  "I'm sorry, I was being a really terrible mother, I really screwed up, this was all my fault").

Simply- "This was my part, I own it and I'm sorry". It is a clean energy, and that's what you want. You don't want words laden with guilt or blame and you don't want an expectation of anything at the end of your apology. You're doing this because it is the right thing to do, it is the energy you want to relate with your children from and it creates reconnection.

A lot of the time after we do that, what's interesting is our children will often spontaneously own their stuff. Not from a place of blame, guilt or fear or "Oh, she apologised, I suppose I should too".

None of that energy exists and that is why they spontaneously apologize. From our modelling, they naturally rise into that space too.

Children also have an amazing capacity to forgive. They can go from being fully in their stuff to completely forgiving just like that, It's just quite amazing how they can let it all go, especially when you lead by example.

When you’re all no longer charged up about the situation you can bring in more collaborative problem solving if that’s needed, but first, on it’s own, apologise.

 And then, in those situations when it feels like you still want to have conversations about what's been going on-

You can later invite them into a collaborative problem solving discussion-

"So, how could've we handled this whole situation differently?"

The apology is about reconnection and ownership of your own stuff. Then later on you can bring in the other piece, the solution oriented piece, the collaborative piece, where you problem solve together. We suggest you don’t blend these two together. Don't give feedback while you're trying to reconnect with someone, it can inhibit the reconnection.

This is not something that you do when they are at a particular age/ when your children are old enough. We would start this right from the beginning, from when your children are babies. You can establish it as a reconnection practice all the way through, not at a certain age when you think it's okay to tell them what you did wrong.

With younger children (actually at any age if it’s what your child needs to reconnect), when they feel ready and open to the reconnection, it also helps to add a physical component into the apology. Bring in hugs, cuddles and kisses, this can add a whole deeper dimension to the re-connection. So if your child is open to it, open up your energy and be willing to embrace them.
So in summary, an authentic apology involves you owning your part in the dynamic. The things that you wish you had have done differently. Sharing what went on, how what you did didn't serve the situation, what you could've done differently, what you would've liked to have done differently, with an apology. And leave it, leave it at that.

It’s not about blaming yourself or blaming your child and you’re not holding an expectation that they do the same.

It's just owning it, taking responsibility. Without right or wrong, blame or expectations or mixing in feedback or guidance. You're apology is to reconnect.