How to get co-operation from your kids

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In this episode of MamaThrive we’re introducing a different take to most on handling and shifting ongoing conflicts.

These can be conflicts within yourself (internal conflicts) and conflicts between you and other members of your family.

This technique we’re about to teach you is for conflicts that seem to be repeating themselves over and over again, and that you can’t seem to change and move beyond. Those conflicts that you wish were over with but you keep repeating because you have some pretty core needs that aren’t being met and the only options to express your needs seem to be to fall back into the same patterns of conflict.

 

Before we teach any concepts, we’re each going to share a story with you to illustrate them. Both of our stories will be quite different, but the shift that happens within is the same and it is that shift that we want to give to you so you can take it into your parenting life.

 

LISA~

The story I have to share is around nightweaning my child from breastfeeding. With my first child, we nursed for a long time, we did full term, extended breastfeeding and I really just wanted to sleep through the night! My daughter was a huge nurser, still at ages 2 and 3, that’s how old she was when I was considering night weaning. There were a few times when I really wanted to night wean because I really just wanted to sleeeep! I really wanted to sleep through the night at some point and was getting resentful that I couldn’t.

 

But I did had a lot of internal conflict around that as well because the breastfeeding relationship was really pivotal to our connection strategies and to our relationship. So there was a part of me that was always very torn around it, and I’d kind of test the waters a little bit and if she reacted very strongly I’d go ‘Ok, we’re not ready’.

 

I would recommend doing that, for anyone, you want it to be a partnership whenever you can. But what was really going on for me was this internal conflict. I really wanted to sleep but I also really wanted to keep the nursing relationship going. I sooo wanted it to be her choice. I didn’t want it to be my choice, but I also had needs so I was in a lot of internal conflict.

 

I didn’t know when was the right time for me to night wean. And I will now hold off sharing the solution because we’ll share that soon after Kaya also shares her story as the solution is the same, even though the stories are different.

 

KAYA~

The story I’m sharing is of when my children were a lot older, it was about two or three years ago. I had this funny conflict within myself (and it would also then play out between me and my children) where I would feel really guilty about me taking space for myself especially if it wasn’t something really preplanned or pre structured or unless I had an appointment with somebody else that somehow justified my taking space away from my children. I especially felt guilty if I was on my computer, if I wanted to do some work for myself at the computer.

I even felt this inner conflict and guilt when my children were really self-contained and enjoying what they were doing, I had the idea that I was only a good mother when I was doing things with or for them, that I couldn’t go and do my thing. I had to maybe make food for them or clean up after them or check in with whether they wanted to do something with me, but really I wanted to go and do stuff for myself at times just like everyone does. Just like they do as well. We al want to have space and autonomy at times.

So the internal conflict was between really wanting to take space for myself but feeling like a bad mother for doing so. So I would go and do it, but feel funny about it.

This conflict I felt inside then reflected itself back at me in the form of my children getting resentful and grumpy every time I would go and do something that didn’t involve them or wasn’t helping them. Even if they had just been happy doing whatever they were doing, if I went to do my own thing, they would stop what they were doing and feel as if they need me and often complain that I spend too much time doing things myself and don’t spend enough time with them. They mirrored my guilt and incongruency back to me. They’d bring it up front and centre and make it extra challenging for me to claim my space and do my own thing and I didn’t end up having what I wanted in any direction.

 

Again, I will go into the solution and how I shifted that funny dynamic after we explain what this whole concept is, for now just know that in both our stories, we we’re kind of at a standstill, not knowing how to meet our needs and shift this conflict that kept playing out within us and between us and our children.

 

And that is a really pivotal point.

When you have internal conflict within yourself, your children will mirror it back to you externally.

I (Lisa) have seen that happen over and over and over again in my family. Kaya’s seen it happen in hers. We’ve seen it in mothers that we’ve coached over and over again too.

 

If you have internal conflict within yourself, if you have not reached internal resolution or congruence which is what we want to talk about today, your children will absolutely hold that up to you over and over and over again. There will be an ongoing dynamic of them showing you your incongruencies.

 

So, in my case my daughter would resist night weaning, and the more I felt conflicted about it, the stronger her reaction would be about it. For Kaya, her children would absolutely stand up and speak for that part of her that was feeling guilty, telling her, ‘you never play with us and you never do anything with us and you should be here with me’ and all of that.

 

Our children do that time and time again for us. They do this because...

 

They sense the lack of congruency within us, and they’re pointing it out to us. They hold it up to us so that we can find our congruency.

 

They mirror it so that we can become aware of it. So we can ask ourselves-

‘Where am I not being congruent?’

 

By lack of congruency, we mean you're doing or saying one thing, but there’s a part of you that’s really wanting something else and is pulling you elsewhere.

 

For example, with me (Kaya), I so wanted to have some space for myself and do my own thing sometimes, but there was such a loud voice inside me that said that was wrong and that I couldn’t do that. That mismatch between what I was doing and what I was feeling is the incongruency.

 

And for me (Lisa). I really wanted to sleep for a solid block of more than an hour or two, and at the same time I wanted to honor that nursing relationship. I wanted it to be her choice, and I wanted to hold that connection.

 

You can probably think of plenty of examples where that’s the case for you too because as mothers it’s quite common for us to want two things at the same time.

 

So the first part of this solution is to be aware of this concept of congruency and incongruency within yourself. That’s truly important because that congruency, whether it’s congruency between your desires and the direction that you want to travel or whether it’s congruency between your energy and your words, any mismatch in congruency, your children will hold up to you.

 

That first step is an awareness piece. Noticing where the lack of congruency is within you, pinpointing the conflict.

 

Now, the way to reach congruency is different for everyone. There are many, many, many ways and every situation is individual. You may want to find space through that yourself or have coaching conversation around that, but we can give you the solutions that we came up with so that you can see a couple of examples.

 

KAYA-

I got to this point where I realised what I was doing and I saw the conflict within me. It came about because I started looking at how much I celebrate my children doing what they love and that plays out in the fact that I choose to have my children at home. We naturally learn beyond school. It’s really important for me that they follow their passions, and I realised that I wasn’t doing that myself. I realised what an example that was setting for them.

 

I really saw my daughter mirroring that incongruency back to me at one particular time when I watched how content she was, playing on her own, while I was making her some food, and then I stopped doing things for her for a while and went to do my own thing. She switched from being content to coming over to me and saying ‘Mummy! Stop doing what you’re doing, you never do anything for me!’.

 

It was a lightbulb moment, where I saw what she was mirroring back to me. I made this commitment to myself in that moment that I would claim my space and claim what I love and do what I love in as many moments as possible (which also includes connecting with them) just as I want my children to do the same.

 

In that moment, I voiced that to them. I was really clear. I said something like ‘there’s nothing wrong with me going and doing my own thing right now. It’s actually awesome. It’s just as awesome as you guys doing your own thing’.

 

I really claimed my space and made it clear that actually, I celebrate me doing my own thing. I don’t need to pander to them or to anyone. It’s fine for me to claim my space too.

 

And they really got it, in that moment, something shifted between us where they could see me claiming me. They didn’t put up a fuss about me going and doing my own thing anymore because I became congruent within myself, the conflict shifted within myself and I could fully say YES to my needs.

 

LISA-

You have to create resolution within yourself in whatever way that looks like for you so that you do become congruent. In my case it was a journey for me to reach a place where I felt there could still be partnership, that I still had a really strong, connected relationship in a lot of other areas, that I really needed to feel okay about it within myself. There were probably other strategies that I implemented that are surface ones that I could probably try and think back on (eg. I might have upped my nursing during the day)—but that’s not really what it was about. It was that I truly felt resolved within myself, that I felt aligned with my values and I felt this is okay.

 

As Kaya said, this is okay to claim this, it is ok to meet my needs, it is okay for me to feel resolved about this.

 

As soon as I did that, as soon as I got resolved within myself and knew that night weaning was the right direction, that it was just the right way for us to go together in our relationship as partners... There was no struggle at all.

 

She was around 3 and we were having some discussions around night weaning over the months, but there wasn’t any point where I let her know I was resolved around it... she absolutely sensed it though!. It’s the energy that you put out that is received by your children. That first night when I truly felt congruent, she just slept straight through. There was no discussion about it at all.

 

Children sense that energy of congruency. When you’re that congruent it has a natural sense of leadership to it, and your children respond to that.

 

They deeply respect it.

 

So, if you’re having any of these ongoing struggles in your family, look at it from the perspective of congruency and where you are incongruent. Look to see if you are actually, truly congruent in whatever that struggle is for you. Find a way to become congruent, to feel resolved and to feel truly at peace within yourself, and that’s the key.

 

Your children will mirror that congruency or lack of it and things will shift immediately when you come back into congruency.