Tips on Creative, Collaborative Problem Solving

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Full Transcript

We’ve often emphasised that in any form of conflict, either between our children or between ourselves and our children, Holding Space and making sure everyone feels heard is KEY. Ensuring everyone feels heard by everyone else. We’ve often pointed out that that is all that’s needed- create that space where everyone really hears each other and each person who’s been in conflict feels like- ‘yes, they’ve heard me, they are understanding me!’.

 

Often, this all that is needed for conflicts to dissolve.

 

But sometimes there is more that is needed, and we’ve had that same question asked of us from a few mothers. They want to know ways to work with those situations when you do need to help a bit more actively beyond everyone getting heard.

 

They want a little more help with collaborative problem-solving and collaborative solution creation. So that’s what we wanted to focus on in this MamaThrive.

 

In our mediation process we teach in the Riding the Turbulent River course, we call this the Transformation or the Resolution. These tools are for if the resolution back into connection with each other hasn’t already happened through everyone feeling heard, and you still need to spend time coming up with a solution or a way forward.

 

There are a few different tools and reminders that we’re going to go through today. You can take whichever bit most resonates with you or you can play with all of them, and use whichever ones you remember in the moment as tools for reconnection.

 

Something that I (Kaya) have found really valuable with my children is to create kind of a meeting space where everyone’s ideas are heard.

 

Collaborative problem solving is quite a creative process. It needs to be really clear that all ideas are welcome. You first need to make sure that everyone’s heard around what’s going on for them as we just mentioned, this is always a foundation for reconnection and resolving conflict.

 

Check that everyone feels heard in what they’re feeling and what they’re needing.

 

You then have a little more space within and between you all to come up with any ideas that might support everyone.

 

If the conflict is between my children, I have found it really valuable to be a scribe in that process. Being a scribe creates structure and formality around the process. And it also helps me to not take control too much, to be more the support role, not the one who comes up with the solutions, instead, hold space and create a space where all ideas are welcome.

 

In this initial idea brainstorming, I welcome them to be as wild and wacky as they want. Letting everyone know that we will get to the solution at the end, but before solutions happen you need to come up with as many things as possible. You could come up with fifty if you wanted. One of them might be that ‘we all go live on the moon’. It doesn’t matter how crazy it is, get them all down.

 

I ask my children often, and a few more times- Is there anything else? Any other ideas? And I also invite my own in, getting as many down as possible, all taking turns and continuing to keep share ideas. Ensuring that everyone has their ideas heard.

 

When it feels like all ideas have been exhausted and the children have come up with every possible idea they can, and so have you and anyone else involved, that’s when you can get a bit discerning and go through the ideas and tune in together.

 

Go through each idea and ask- Does this really work for everybody?

 

Get clear on why some don’t and cross them out or tweak them or combine some together. Because you’ve really spent time exploring so many possible ideas, you often find that you’ll have some that work for everyone at the end.

 

There might not just be one solution. You’ll often find out that it’s a blending of two or three ideas that all come together and that will work to be the solution at the end of the day.

 

Being the scribe also helps you to have a role that is stepping back a little. This reminds us of another key we want to emphasise. It’s important to regularly check in with yourself when you are mediating conflict and helping your children brainstorm, to ask yourself ‘do I need to speak right now?’... and to be patient with the whole process.

 

Quite often we rush through this creative brainstorming because we can see the ‘perfect solution’ that will fix everything for everyone and want to make it happen as quickly as possible.

 

In that rushing, we miss the opportunity to help our children claim the process for themselves.

 

Do I need to speak? is a very important question to ask yourself often and if you do need to speak then make it a conscious and considered choice.. And less is definitely more in this situation.

 

One of the situations you might need to continue to speak is in the role of making sure everyone feels heard. Depending on the group of children that you’re working with, if there’s a quiet child who holds back a bit and a child who is more vocal and more confident in their opinions and solutions then make sure that the quiet child feels truly heard and they’ve had a chance to express their ideas and remind everyone that ALL ideas are just as valid and equal as any of the other solutions coming on to the table and being written down.

So there are two tools we have touched on here-

1. Checking that you’re not just imposing or offering the solutions because this is not your job here, empower them the space to share their own ideas and work together.
2. When you do choose to speak, it’s often to ensure that everyone is still heard and that everyone’s ideas are still acknowledged as valid.

 

Another thing to consider when you’re working with children in conflict and have reached the point of collaborative brainstorming (each child involved is no longer feeling their emotions intensely as their feelings have been felt, expressed and heard by everyone)... is to be patient.

 

That desire to rush to the solution, to get moving, to go get the door, to get past the conflict because you have so many other things to do!

That impatience that says- ‘this is taking forever!!!’ or ‘I know the perfect solution because I know all these children and I know exactly what would work for them and all, let’s just get to it!!’.

 

That impatience and that rushing to get to a solution, takes the ownership away from your children and doesn’t allow them to continue the process themselves and to learn from that experience and to claim it and own it.

 

If they haven’t claimed it and owned it, then they won’t fully take it on board and resolve conflict between themselves. So you want to be patient and allow as much space as you can for this, remembering the life skills they are receiving from it. It can take some time, so it’s important to see this as an educational investment in your children’s conflict resolution skills and their emotional intelligence skills.

 

One final key in collaborative problem solving is celebration and acknowledgement altogether as a team. Really making it known by everyone that you have just created a solution, all working together. A solution that didn’t exist before you all worked together and you created collaboratively.

 

Celebrate that you came up with a solution that was completely new and completely collaborative.

 

Acknowledge the teamwork and remind everyone that it wouldn’t have worked quite the same had not everyone been a part of the team. Each of you had a vital part in that. Solidify the value of the team and celebrate it.

 

So the whole process of mediating conflict between your children can take some time at the start but look at it as an investment in their skill set. But having said that, given enough time and space, your children will own this process and will take it on. They’ll create amazing solutions and after awhile they’ll come up with amazing solutions virtually on the fly. So while this collaborative problem solving might seem complex and structured, over time your children will absorb all these pieces and take them on, own them and work with them in really fluid ways that work for them and mean they are resolving their own conflicts between themselves.
That’s the collaborative, solutions creating process. Try it on with your children when there’s a need...  sometimes you don’t need it, often they just all need to feel heard, but when more is needed, give it a go. We’d love to know how it went for you and your family.