Find the gifts in your partner's parenting

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Full Transcript

 

So, we're on the topic of your relationship with your partner, as you co-parent together and share a relationship together.

 

We've heard a lot mothers say things like,

"My partner doesn't get it"

or

"It feels like I have another child"

 

Mothers can, over time, view their partner to be doing the parenting thing all wrong, projecting any dysfunction in their relationship and family onto their partner.

 

We're not making you wrong for doing that in any way, it's pretty common. But what we're doing today is addressing that and looking at ways that you can shift that view of your partner, shift your perspective of your partner and create a bit more understanding and connection between you both.

I (Lisa) have had this dynamic in my household too...

 

I didn't think my husband was parenting well. And what I meant when I got in touch with myself was that he wasn't doing it my way - he wasn't parenting the way I would parent in that situation.  And what I was discounting was what he brings to that situation, what he brings to parenting.

 

We each have unique gifts as individuals, and we each also have gifts that we bring that are character traits of the energy that we predominantly run in our body.

 

So there are a lot of ways to describe the two flavours of energy we’re referring to. And some people use masculine and feminine energy and some people use the Yin and the Yang energy - and to us they represent the same things.

Before we go deeper into what these energies are, we want to make it really clear that it is true that often, men run a predominantly masculine energy and women run a predominantly feminine energy, but it is not always the case. There's no rules around that, and we all hold both energies in our body.

 

I (actually both of us) have a masculine energy that I sometimes run and I have a feminine energy that I sometimes run.

 

One of them I run more than the other, one of them I run more in my parenting, particularly. So in my parenting I run quite a strong feminine energy, and sometimes in my business I run quite a masculine energy.

 

Within each of us we have both energies and we run different energies at different times. So, when we talk about masculine energy traits and feminine energy traits, it's not always as simple as generalising, "that's the male version and this is the female version."

It does often happen that women run a really strong feminine energy in parenting, particularly the mothers that are attracted to our work. And it does often happen that their partners counter balance that feminine energy by running more masculine energy.

 

But we have also seen situations where it's the mother who's running a very strong masculine energy, and the partner who's balancing it by trying to run a feminine energy.

So, one dynamic that we have noticed come up in partnership issues over and over again is an issue of polarity between the masculine and the feminine energy.

 

If you are a woman who is running predominantly a very strong feminine energy, particularly in the realms of parenting your children-

 

For example, going with the flow, being spontaneous, nurturing, focusing on cooperation and the emotional realms, being more permissible, softening things, allowing the edges to blur, operating happily in the greys (while the masculine is more comfortable with black and white, right and the wrong).

 

So if you're parenting predominantly with a feminine energy, And a lot of mothers do, when they move into it they realise they do feel more comfortable in that space.

 

If you're running a very strong feminine energy in parenting, if that's how you are naturally - you feel most comfortable in that space, your partner will balance that out with a more masculine energy.

 

All things in life seek balance, seek homeostasis. Your relationship dynamic is the same and that is polarity.

 

If you're highly in your feminine your partner will swing more into their masculine to create that balance within the overall harmony of the relationship. So, the more you lean one way, then they will lean more strongly to the other side that you aren’t addressing.

 

While this may or may not feel frustrating for you, this is the perfection of your partnership playing itself out.

This happens in my (Lisa’s) house. Before I was aware of it, it drove me completely nuts. I would be running this strong feminine energy, and the more I moved to the feminine, and the more I moved away from the masculine, the stronger into the masculine my partner kept striving to be.

This is something to be aware of as the dynamic you and your partner will be creating together AND it points to the fact that both energies are needed in a relationship (and within a person).

 

There is such a blessing in both of them. The feminine ways has its blessings, and the masculine way has its blessings - and you can't have one without the other in a partnership. And, it’s a gift that your partner becomes more masculine when you're being more feminine because that is where the balance lies.

I (Kaya) could really see this through having had a few different partners since being a mother. I separated from my children's father when they were quite young and I have since had three other partners.

 

Watching them in relationship with my children and being in relationship with them (especially in hindsight) I saw similar patterns occur - things that really frustrated me about how my partners would parent my children, ended up being really similar things with a similar energy repeated over and over again.

 

It became “there's that thing that men in my life do again!!”

 

And it would really annoy me and bring out my mama bear, because they weren't parenting the way I was. But, in hindsight, they were balancing out the things that I was lacking. And they were bringing gifts to my children and to the whole family dynamic that I didn't bring.

So when we can look at the gifts in the masculine, then we can celebrate the healthy masculine expressions in our partners, we can embrace it  and help to bring it in as a part of the way the family runs.

 

When you choose to see the gifts in both the masculine and the feminine ends of the energy spectrum, and when you choose to be conscious and aware of that concept of polarity... then the more healthier the expressions of the masculine and the feminine become in your relationship.

 

When you're not aware of it, when you're not willing to see the gift in your partners parenting, when you're trying to push it away, when you're against it so strongly, then the unhealthy expressions of both those energies can come out.

 

They BOTH have unhealthy expressions, the masculine and the feminine.

 

And neither of those unhealthy aspects are pretty and neither of them are how we want to parent, or how we'd want to be in a relationship with anyone. But when you are resisting it, not aware of it, not choosing to acknowledge it, and not working with your polarity - then the unconscious expressions come up.

So if you're thinking "I don't see how I can find the gifts in that behaviour my partner does",  bear with us until the end because there may be unhealthy masculine being expressed, or unhealthy feminine in you (It's important to take a look at yourself here too).

 

And by the end of this, if you're looking at it consciously, and seeing the gifts on both sides, you tend to move into healthy expressions of both of those. And they truly work together to create the holistic relationship that you want.

So what we're gonna do is bounce off each other, and we'll describe feminine parenting and masculine parenting as a generalisation. As you’re listening, listen for how you and your partner parent, the things you generally do.

 

Listen for yourself in the more masculine traits as well (and your partner in the more feminine ones). You may well be running some masculine energy in your parenting (actually, if you’re an effective parent, you will be running masculine energy at some point, in some ways).

 

There may be areas where you're running a very dominant masculine energy, because a lot of women are in our culture - and they just naturally bring that into their parenting. And often part of that transformation of becoming a mother is coming back into your feminine.

 

While this is the topic of another episode yet to come, we want to support you to claim and embody healthy feminine energy, energy that really feels like HOME... and then your partner has the chance to really step into the healthy masculine.

 

Healthy Feminine or Yin Energy

Feminine is quite creative and can see many possibilities, open to all the different ways that things might happen and okay with multi-faceted experiences.

 The feminine experiences this happening, that happening and that happening, and hold it all and work with it all at once. They can work in the grey area really comfortably, in fact they sit there more comfortably than they do in the black and the white. Anything can be grey and there's more spontaneity within that.

There's more concern or focus on the inner experience and the emotions, the intention. The feminine is the path back to your Inner Truth.

There's less need to make clear boundaries, clear disciplines, to make sure that something's clear cut.

There's more flow, there's less need for rigidity to feel comfortable.

The feminine also focuses on beauty, on feeling good, on sensuality.

Less rational, more, "It just feels right to me."

It tends to be a slower pace, it doesn't run as fast.

It also relates to some of the more well-known qualities of the feminine, that nurturance and  loving guidance, being caring and compassionate.

So, emotional welfare and the inner experience is really driving a lot of the motivation behind feminine parenting.

 

Healthy Masculine or Yang Energy

Masculine parenting is concerned with making sure that there is some sense of control and an outcome-

"I need to make sure that my children are learning something, that my children are getting somewhere”

“What’s the point of this? What am I imparting?"

 Clear boundaries and structure is definitely a big one, structure around the chaos, containing it. They're great at holding the boundary, holding the perimeter of something and really staying strong around that.

Very action oriented, very protective. They're also very great at follow-up. Like, if you have a conversation and make agreements, they're great at holding to the agreements, at remembering that we were going to do step one, step two, step three this weekend.  All those pieces.

They often sit with the more black and white, right and wrong in situations and morals are very important to them. The point of the story, teaching lessons, being efficient, making sure all the boxes get ticked and everything that needs to be done gets done; all those pieces are from that masculine energy trait.

Now,

Unhealthy Feminine Energy

Permissive parenting, losing a sense of what you need in the situation. Just going with all flow without actually getting clear on what you need.

 Being overwhelmed by everything, and not being able to get into action around anything. Always being on the back, and being receptive - but not being able to move into action.

It can flow over into having trouble getting the family shit together in the morning, and getting moving and getting out the door on time. And all those pieces that go into that.

And a lack of consistency, like everything just feels chaotic. Like the children don't really know what's going on and what to expect.

Unhealthy feminine can also come out in your emotional expression, with being really needy or becoming stuck in overwhelmed "poor me," and "I can't cope."

 

Unhealthy Masculine Energy

More domineering, being more controlling, authoritarian, impatient -

"Just do it, because I said so."

 And physical violence, and rage. Fear based parenting, a big one.

Competition, is actually quite a masculine energy. So, creating competition to see who can get things done the fastest, that's efficient, that's getting them moving, that's getting them to compete with each other.

To play and win for points, to go, go, go. That's all quite a masculine energy.

And lots of rules "Well this is just the way it is, no questions asked."  Imposing the structure onto the children and the dynamic.

Lacking in patience, and just wanting the outcome and not wanting to hear the whole back story. "This is just how we're gonna do it, 'cause this is the best way, this is how it works."

 

So, listening to the healthy and the unhealthy aspects of both of those, we're hoping you can see how you need both. You need both of those healthy aspects. One is not whole, not complete, and doesn't quite stand on it's own. You need both to stand strong.

 So, whether you're creating wholeness within yourself, which you should strive to do too - and find that balance. Or wholeness in your relationship. You do want to seek the gifts in both the masculine and the feminine.

And specifically for this video, given all you've just learnt from what we've shared - we're suggesting you start looking at your partner, and looking at the way they parent with different eyes.

 

Look at the things that they do, and look at the gifts if they were doing that in a healthy and empowered way. And really, start to embrace those gifts, because that's the beginning and the foundation of a conscious and connected partnership and family.

When you look and you see the gifts in their parenting, there'll be things that you don't naturally possess, that you have to work really hard to achieve. Then you can look and see - “that's a trait that my partner holds naturally, he can support me in that” and this creates true partnership.

 

Often, I (Lisa) was initially focused on how I could help my partner to parent - how I could help him be more feminine in his parenting.

 

I was like, “how can I help him get the feminine? Get all that nurturing, get that patience, get that emotional expression?” And I wasn't looking at what he could be supporting me on.

 

For example, creating family rituals and traditions, he is much better at holding them-

Like, "Tonight's pizza night."

"Oh is it? Oh okay, I didn't know that."

 

Your partner can really help in meaningful ways where you are not naturally adept, where it's an effort for you to work in that way. And if you can start to look at them from that perspective, you can create more holistic partnership.

 

And that's where having a partner makes it easier and more enjoyable. And you're actually lifting each other as parents, rather than-

"Oh my God, I have another child, and it's easier if I didn't have one."

So, at the end of the day it's about recognising the gifts that you both bring to the parenting partnership. And being able to have that conversation together is the ultimate. So that you're both aware of what you feel each other's strengths are, and how you can help support each other, so that your partnership is stronger and then you can raise your children from that more holistic, balanced space.

 

Let us know how the conversations go and what you discover in your partner.

 

And until next time, enjoy!