Holding Space

Holding space is one of the most powerful gifts you can give another person.

 

Its ability to shift moods, situations, and relationships is amazing. In fact it can seem rather magical or mystical when you first start witnessing its power to heal and transform.

 

You may think we’re exaggerating but really we’re not. We’ve have seen holding space work faster, be more effective and be way more profoundly connecting than pretty much any other strategy for creating connection or reconnection, outside of, after or during conflict.

 

Holding space is a gift of love and healing, it is the act of creating a very conscious container for someone to step into so that they may feel truly heard, received, and gotten.

 

Everyone wants to feel heard.

 

You want to feel heard, Your partner wants to feel heard and your children want to feel heard (by you and by each other).

 

If you aren’t feeling heard it nearly always leads to frustration, resentment, anger, or isolation and disconnection.

 

People want to feel gotten, received, understood.

It is also a key fundamental principle in conflict resolution and mediation practices.

It’s also a core human need.

 

and heres the kicker - listening to someone is crazy powerful and it doesn’t require you remember what to say (or what not to say) .

 

Let us give you a couple of examples of where listening could be a major part of the answer.

 

When a child is having a melt down or tantrum

When you have 2 or more children in conflict or argument

When a child is giving you a lot of attitude.

When you feel like exploding (did you know you can hold space for yourself!)

The power of being truly present for another person and being focused only on receiving them, hearing them and being with them without any intention to change or fix them is incredible.

 

All too often when we listen to someone we are formulating a reply while they are talking! We are creating reasons, thinking of answers, justifications, defense or solutions.

 

Instead we invite you to dip into “holding space” for those you love.

 

Often what a person most needs is to feel heard. This practice is deeply connecting and IS often the solution and if it isn’t, it often leads the person to their own solution and ultimately they feel loved and heard and the connection between the two of you is stronger.

 

On the surface you could say it is listening to someone but its far more than that. There is a lot of intention in holding space.

 

It’s a very conscious space, as opposed to unconsciously listening to someone while you multitask or having a casual conversation and forming your reply while they are still talking.

 

When you hold space for someone, the very first step is to set a conscious container and put an Intentional energy into that container. This is what we are going to share in just a minute.

 

The person you are holding space for will feel this, you can absolutely feel this type of space. There is a sense of spaciousness (not rushed), of safety, of love, of significance in this space. When you are having space held for you, you feel free to express, to heal, to release. To be heard, understood, loved, received and respected.

 

When we have those needs honoured, so much is free to shift. Holding space can make an amazing difference and dissolve situations in a matter of minutes, not hours

 

You do need to check in that you are really in a place internally where you can hold space because it takes both presence and focus (I’ll talk about the difference in a bit), it takes consciousness, self awareness, intention and energy.

You can hold space in a moment of conflict... meaning you consciously choose to set the Intention to hear and receive them fully. This can pretty hard to do as you are starting out (actually it can be hard even if you're not just starting out) but its amazingly powerful.

 

You can hold space after a situation of conflict, when things have died down a bit it is often slightly easier to hold space.

 

Or you can hold space - just because. Because someone needs it. To provide a place of healing, to create connection, as part of a connection ritual or as a way to fill someone's love cup.

 

You can hold space for your child, your partner, another mother, yourself - or anyone.

 

In holding space there are 3 major components that we teach.

 

All 3 components are necessary and all three weave together to create the holding space experience

 

• The container (Intentions, energy, presence and focus)

• The dance within yourself (being self aware, tracking your own stuff and managing that)

• Your relationship with them (how you are with them, how you read them, how you read their energy, what’s under their words, how you receive them etc)

 

but today, lets talk about the first of these, creating a container

 

The foundation for holding space is about creating the container for them to step into. People notice when they step into an intentionally created and held space.

 

It feels special, it feels loved. There is a sense of safety that they can move into and really feel what is going on for them. To know and express it, to move it through their bodies, and know they are held in love and witnessed.

 

Everyone shifts when this space exists for them, children respond amazingly to it.

 

1. The first step is about presence and focus.

 

Presence is about bringing yourself here to this moment. Come back to now, don’t have your thoughts in the past or the future, on another project etc.

 

Bring yourself back to yourself and back to this moment.

 

One of the easiest ways to do this is to breathe and as you do follow your breath into your body and out again, feel your body respond to the air.

 

A couple breaths will bring you back to your body.

 

Then, move your body in a way that feels good to you and really be in your body as you do it, stretch, roll your neck, wiggle your toes, whatever it is for you.

 

As you come back to your body, you come present.

 

Now Focus. If presence is more of an internal act, the act of coming back to yourself and the moment, then focus is an external practice.

 

Focus is about putting all your attention on the other person. The other person needs to feel they have all your attention if you want to really create and hold space. If you need to, engineer that ahead of time do - you don’t want distractions.

 

These 2 components, presence and focus create the strong edges or boundary of the container. They hold the space so you can then pour into it, your energy and your Intention.

 

So bring your awareness into this moment, this interaction, this space and this person you love.

2. The second step is remembering your intentions,

 

Your Intention is always communicated to another person, if not through your words then through your energy or your body language or some other means.

 

Your intention also gives you a solid anchor to hold to in the interaction, keeping you aligned with your own personal values as a mother and your initial reason for holding space for this person.

 

Your intention and energy inspire you words and actions

 

Your intention is a personal choice and one that feels right for the moment.

 

Some of the more encompassing intentions that are also worth thinking about, common broad intentions for holding space are-

 

to hear them

to receive them

to let them feel heard

to understand them

to care for them

to hold them

to connect with them

to love them

to provide a space to heal and release

3. The third step is to set the energy, to set your energy

 

It’s the energy flowing through your intentions and continuing outwards. It creates the energy of the container, it also inspires your actions and your words.

 

Again your energy will align with your Intention and as such be personal and context sensitive but again there is a broader energy that is often present in some way in holding space and that is the broader feminine energy of Being.

 

Holding space is a very feminine energy. It is a receiving, holding, nurturing and healing energy that you want to sink into, it comes from love.

 

The energy that you want to project out is one of an open energy. ‘I love you’, ‘you matter to me’, ‘I want to hear you’, ‘I am hearing you’.

 

If it helps you can imagine your heart or your arms opening wide and reaching out to the other person.

With these components in place you have created your container. A strong intentional container that feels congruent and safe. This is the space you invite someone to step into when you sit with them and allow them to speak their truth.

 

Consciously create a container for each of your loved ones today and allow them to step into it.

 

Then see what happens, dip into the art of holding space and watch people unfurl and flourish.

 

Watch what is does to the level of connection between you and your loved ones.

 

It’s important to remember that Holding Space is not any better or more worthy than expressing yourself and you can’t actually hold space for long if you haven’t also received the same kind of loving space yourself.

 

This is just a practice for today to experiment and try it on.

 

In the future if you want to hold space please remember, it is important to check and honour your willingness and readiness to hold space before you do.

 

Remember that this isn’t about what you say, sometimes the most powerful space holding is practiced in silence. The power of this practice is in your presence as you hold the container for your loved one to express themselves however they need to.

 

Don’t take things personally, trust in the power of holding space to dissolve barriers and reconnect you all

 

and enjoy!