How to Calm Tantrums

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Full Transcript

It can be stressful for any mother when her child is totally losing it and melting down (or chucking a tantrum or whatever you want to call it).

Often, in that panic of either 'this is too much for me', or 'I'm worried about them', we want to fix it. We want to stop it, we want to make it go away, we want to do something to stop whatever is going on and make it better and fix the situation.  And often, that's not what your child is needing and it's not a sustainable way 'fix' the situation.

So, the topic of this post is the act of truly listening as a healing practice and we call that holding space.

The practice of holding space is more than just your conventional listening that you do while you're cooking dinner or you're multitasking.  This is not the same, this is about listening on all levels.  So not just with your ears but feeling for what's going on, reading the energy underneath.  And it's a fairly involved practice, but the main pieces are that of what we're going to give you today in the video.  And it's specifically the pieces that you need to implement in the middle of a meltdown with your child.

So before we go into the practice, we just want to share the reason why holding space is so effective while your child is having a meltdown.  And that's because most of the time the core need is to really be heard and seen and received, in whatever's going on for them.  It's not about fixing the thing that they might be screaming about, it’s about being heard in what's moving for them.  That is, most of the time, all they're really needing.  So we need to meet that need before we meet any other need, and that's where holding space comes in.

And if you don't meet that need, you'll find that you'll be constantly, all across the day, fixing a running stream of meltdowns and tantrums. And they'll get more and more crazy, onto things that you couldn't possibly fix.  Like it's not ok that the sky is blue, You can't change that. It will keep moving along from one thing into another until you actually meet this need to be heard.

So the piece in today's video that we want to talk about, that we can give you a practice around, is setting the container.  The key to holding space is that you set a very intentional container for them to be held within.  And there's a few pieces that go into that, and we're going to give them to you now.

Setting the Container to Hold Space for your Child

1) Know your Intention

Be conscious and clear about what your intention for the moment is.  And the key is when you are holding space, your intention is NOT to fix things. 

Your intention is to truly hear them and receive them.  It's a gift of love and healing, To hold that space of love for them.

It's almost like cradling, holding them, embracing them. Like- I can be here, I AM HERE. I can hold this while you feel whatever you need to feel.  It's creating a safe container for them to feel and express within.

 So connect to your intention for the moment.

 

2) Check in with yourself.  "Am I willing and am I able?"

Because you can only hold space for as long as you're capable of holding space for, and you need to check in and make sure that you have the reserves to go there.

If you're feeling really hurt, embarrassed or angry by something they've said or the words that they're using are really triggering you, then it's not the best time to do it (hold space for yourself instead).

If you're in that space where you can see that what's going on isn't about all the things that they're saying and doing and you know they're just needing to express themselves and be heard.  When you're not taking it personally and your heart can be open to them, that's when you're ready and you can do it.

 

 3) Create a safe environment

For holding space to happen, it has to be a space of safety and there are three ways that we do this.

a) Check your body language.  If you are feeling really tense or you're feeling really defensive, that will translate into the situation.  So make sure that you're holding your body in a way that feels open, relaxed and calm. Take a breath, roll your shoulders back, shake the tension out.

b) Open up your energy.  What we mean by that is to really feel yourself being very wide open, almost like you're energetically hugging or embracing. You want that space to feel like - I'm open to you, I value you, I hear you, and I am here for you.  You want to have an open heart to them.

c) Have both Presence and Focus. You want to be present to this moment.  You don't want to be thinking about the last time they had a tantrum and what worked or the next time or the shopping list or how tonight will go or anything else.  You just want to be present to this moment. And focus is where you are putting your attention.  You want your attention to all be focused on your child.

You can actually start practicing and getting familiar with setting this container by working it into all your interactions with your children.  Just start setting containers to hold space for them as they come to you, (both your children and your partner).  Set that container, open your energy, have your presence and your focus in the right place.  Check your body language, drop out of needing to answer or reply or formulate a response and just be - have your intentions set to receive and to hear.

And it doesn't have to be when they're having a tantrum.  It's great to practice this in other moments so you can access it more easily when you need it, which is when they're having the meltdown.

When your child is in that meltdown and they're fully expressing themselves, the practice that we're suggesting to you is to drop into this space, to hold space.  To tell yourself, "I can hold this."  And with your energy let them know, "I can hold this."

Remember this mantra- "There's nothing for me to fix here, all my intention right now is to hold loving, healing space for them." 

You don't need to say anything, it's actually best in this practice not to say anything, especially at first.  And just fully be with their tantrum the whole way through and see what happens.  And if you're finding that a little challenging, remember to breathe.  Because your breath will allow your body to relax and allow you to have something to keep you rhythmically anchored.

So, this practice might feel challenging, especially if you're driven by the need to fix things all the time.  And possibly the first time that you do this practice, it might feel rather intense.  Because your children will feel that they're being heard and they'll let a lot of stuff out.  But if you can sit with this practice, if you can embrace this practice, your children will feel so heard by you.  It will be incredibly connecting for your relationship, your bonds will be so much stronger and over time, you'll find that the meltdowns and the tantrums will actually typically shorten in length.  Unless there's a lot going on for your child, but they tend to be shorter because your child feels more heard by you.

So give it a go and hold space. Both in those moments of tantrum and as an everyday practice. Resist that urge to fix the issue and to say stuff. One thing you could say to yourself is, "I don't have to do anything here, I just need to be" .

As soon as you finish reading or watching this, when you interact with the next person in your family, make it a practice to hold space.