How to have more Patience with your children

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Patience is a big word that we've heard from a lot of mothers.  They're wanting more patience, to have more patience with their children.  

When we started thinking about how we could support that, we realised that we often have a skewed perception of what patience is. Actually, the root of the word comes from some Latin word that means endure, to have to put up with something.  To suffer through.   So the word itself is not the most ideal word for the act of patience in the way that we're describing it.

There's such a vast difference between patience as enduring something, like, "Oh I'll just be patient through this because I should," and actually embracing the moment and joining the moment- feeling patient from a space of genuine surrender to the moment.  

We have a little five step (actually five with an optional six step) process to have more patience with your children and to get there in the moment.

The first step is one you can do right now, and it will then carry through to the moment

Step 1) Be aware of those times when you generally do get impatient.

You have triggers that would be pretty similar each time.  You may get most impatient when you're trying to get out the door.  Or you might most get impatient when your young child is helping you in the kitchen, or trying to get dressed, or trying to get to bed.

And you'll notice that a lot of these situations of impatience are around time.  That time is playing the big piece in here, that you're feeling short on time or rushed.

So noticing the general times when you get most impatient is important. Those are the times that you're going to enact this practice, and go through these steps.  When you know that it's coming up to bed time for example, and that's the time when you lose your patience, that's when you enact this practice. That's when you prepare for it. That's when you go through these steps.

Right now, check in with yourself. When do you get most impatient with your children in the day?

Step 2) In those moments when you are likely to get impatient, track the thoughts you're having.

All the impatience is fuelled by thoughts and your thoughts will fuel and drive your emotions and your actions.  You need to be consciously aware of what's running there because  by being consciously aware of it, the thoughts lose their power over you.  You're no longer controlled by them if you can witness them.

Some of the thoughts that you might be thinking are,

"I don't have time for this",

"This always takes so long",

"We're never gonna get there",

"I just want this to be done, I just want this to be over",

"This will be way too messy",  

"I'm going to have to clean this up",

" I wish they'd get to the point."  

Step 3) Acknowledge that you are triggered and in a 'fight or flight' mode.

Notice that you're in a space where you're wanting to either get out of the current situation as quickly as possible or fight through it.  And acknowledge that it's pointless, that a mode of struggle or panic is not going to serve you.  Because that mode won't serve you in this moment. Notice that you're in a frenzy, in a fight or in a panic, and consciously choose to let it go.

Consciously go, "I give up the fight, I surrender, I let go.  I don't need to control this moment, I don't need to urgently make it different".

Take a breath and surrender the fight.

That can feel like a really big ask in the moment, it can feel really difficult to do. We are asking you to trust and have a little faith here, because by doing so you actually can move through the moment faster.  By actually surrendering to it.

There is method in our madness, you must trust and surrender and know that fight or flight, (that reptilian part of our brain) is not going to serve us if we're trying to reach for patience.

Step 4) Once you've surrendered into what is, Zoom right into the very present moment and into being with the child in front of you.

Quite often when we're in a place of impatience, it's because we're in big picture mode.  We're often thinking into the future or into the past or both.  And so we have that big picture in mind, "I have a lot I have to get done today.  This has to happen for this to happen for this to happen.  This will be the consequence of this of this of this."  And we're in a very big picture place.

You want to zoom in, let go of all of that.  Zoom in, zooooom in, into this moment, into this hour, into this exact moment and get present with this moment and this person in front of you.  And here is the key, because this is going to connect you to your values and your empathy and patience will follow.

Zoom into the moment and zoom into this child in front of you.

Step 5) Ask yourself, "What is important to this person in this moment?"  AND "Why is that important to me?  Why is what's important to them, important to me?"

If you ask yourself those two questions, your whole perception of the moment will shift and you can actually embrace the moment and be in the moment with the other person.  You'll actually reach patience from that space.

They're the five main steps, and if you need to add your optional sixth, then that is to express outwards,

Step 6) Communicate with them what you are feeling and needing.

If you've reached this point - you shared the moment, you focused on what's important for them and re-orientated back to your values, and you're still thinking "But I'm still in a really big hurry"  Then you then express outwards, and you do that just by simply stating what you're feeling and what you're needing in the moment.

So the steps,

1) Notice the triggers, the key points that you generally lose patience at.  What are the times of day?  What are the things that are going on?

2) Track those thoughts that are fuelling your impatience in the moment when you are impatient.

3) Surrender, give up the fight.  Remind yourself that it's actually pointless in your quest for patience to be in that gotta rush, gotta get out of this situation, gotta fight this situation mode.   So just take a breath and surrender.

4) Zoom in, come into this moment with this person right in front of you.

5) Ask yourself, "What's important to this person right now?  And why is that important to me?"

And then optionally 6) Express what you're feeling and what you're needing to them.

And, enjoy :-)