How to recognise connection cues from your children

I scoop him up in my arms and flop down onto the couch with him, partly to gain his attention and partly to distract him from driving his older sister crazy. He squirms in my arms, I can feel he’s in high energy mode, that frenzied type of 4 year old energy just before they rip through the house on their scooter destroying everything in their paths, while yelling at the top of their longs “beep! beep!”.

 

Of course it could just be a 4 year olds high energy but I sense that this is about him feeling a lack of engagement, this is about connection - so I lean in to give him a kiss.

 

“No kisses!” he says as he turns to face me fending off my approaching lips with his hand.

 

Hmm he typically loves kisses? Should I back off? I don’t want to force affection on him.

 

He is watching me now, engaged and wondering about my response.  So I test the waters - I turn it into play.

 

“No kisses?! - oh no, but I must, I need to!” I reply in a dramatic voice.

 

He giggles and shakes his head, keeping me fended off.

 

“Oh but I can’t help myself, please, I have to!”  I continue, acting like i’m dying of thirst from lack of kisses.

 

I lean in and, through some ducking and weaving amongst peeling gails of giggles, I get in some stealth kisses,  I had guessed correctly and the game is on.

 

A few days later Fynn runs to the office door and peaks his head in and states in a 4 year old voice of defiance “No kisses!” and runs off with a sparkle in his eyes. He has created a ritual and that’s my cue.

 

I follow and again the game is on, him resisting and asserting his power, me trying to convince him that kissing him is necessary for my survival (while sneaking in many kisses and cuddles).

 

At the end of the round we flop down on the floor laughing and catching our breath when he turns to me. “I must hug you, I have to!” -  he announces in a dramatic voice looking straight into my eyes. Spontaneously he has swapped roles and evolved the connection game, I follow his lead

‘No- No you can’t’ I say with equal drama as I hold him above me and wrestle with him, while letting him get in plenty of triumphant hugs.

 

Fynn and I have continued this game for many months now, in fact nearly a year. We have variations, and either of us is now free to initiate the game and the other always understands what our roles are and what we are doing - connecting!

 

Its a private game between he and I and it always leaves us in a connected space where we are partners in the shared experience. Fynn initiates this game many times and it is always his way of saying he would like to connect with me and re-establish our bonds.

 

For me, and probably for you if you’re reading this, establishing and maintaining connection with our children is a top priority in our motherhood role.

There are 2 broad types of connection, there is the ongoing continuous underlying thread of connection that’s the result of numerous moments that build to create a currency of connection and trust that you can call on when you need to.

 

The second type of connection are moments, those interactions, those games that come and go, you initiate them over and over again in different ways, in different contexts, sometimes consciously and sometimes as a natural extension of the mother / child relationship.

 

But here’s the thing - its not always on you to create these connection moments, sometimes your role is to respond because children initiate connection all the time!

 

Our children naturally seek connection with us, especially the younger they are. This can tend to look different as children get older and eventually it is less obvious and less frequent if you haven’t nurtured it - but every child will seek out connection with those they love

 

One of your most important jobs is to recognise those connection moments for what they are and to engage with them.

To notice when they are initiating connection because it might not necessarily look like connection at a glance, it could even look like annoying behaviour.

 

Connection is a 2 way state and our children naturally seek it out constantly - If we are aware of that then we merely need to respond and contribute, it needn’t always be us that creates the moment.

 

They reach out to us all the time.

 

What makes this so rich in terms of connection is you are validating your child’s desire to connect with you, you are returning it, you are seeing how they want to connect, what feels like connection to them, what they are seeking in connection and really allowing them to have more ownership over the relationship, more equality and power in the relationship.

And, another thing... you can take this moment of connection and allow it to build into a ritual.

If you are sensitive to not take over and if you’re aware of that they’re really wanting from the experience, you can also add more of yourself and your connection style to the moment and to the ritual.

 

The ritual will become a safe space for your child as they grow from day to day, a space to express and try out new things.

 

The connection moment is strong and the ritual has lots of meaning for both of you because you created it together and it’s a unique expression of your relationship, just the two of you.

 

Sometimes you’ll stumble on these rituals by accident, by seeing how they respond, by being playful!  The majority of the time, children’s connection initiations come through play, which is one more reason to really spend time with your children, actually playing.

 

 

Slow down when you’re interacting with your child/ children today, sit and get curious about them. Let go of the urge to initiate and control the interaction and notice when they initiate moments of connection. You won’t need to do much, try following their lead and trust that they will give you a cue to your part in the ritual...

 

and Enjoy!