How to stop yelling at your kids
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The other day I (Lisa) was scrolling through my news feed when I came upon that really powerful Rumi quote.
“Raise your words, not your voice, it is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."
And I found myself nodding and agreeing with that, I felt real truth in that statement.
And then I started thinking, "But how do we do that? Because that's often where we get stuck. We feel the truth in these things that we see and hear from other people, but how do we actually achieve that? So that's what we're going to talk about today.
So how do we raise our words and not our voices? The first thing that came to mind is what works for me. When I feel that urge to yell, there's a few things going on, and we'll address them here.
1) What is your anger telling you?
When you've reached the point that you need to yell, there's probably anger within your body for some reason. And anger has a purpose, and the first thing to do is get clear on what is your anger telling you? This is a really important key. Instead of just being scared of your anger or ashamed of your anger, find out what it's valid purpose is.
Generally, the fact that you're feeling angry lets you know there is a need of yours that is not being met. And the anger is giving you the signs that these needs are going unmet over and over. And the longer that you do that, the more the anger's going to build. So you won't understand what need isn't being met.
And it may be the need to feel heard or to feel in control, that you feel out of control in the situation. So just check in with yourself and find out
what need is not being met that's creating this anger in my body?
2) Consciously move the anger through your body
The fact that you've got the anger in your body means that you want to find a way to move the anger through your body consciously. It's when we dam it down and it leaks out unconsciously because we can no longer hold it down, that we create the damage, that we yell, that we say things that we don't want to say.
When we allow it to flow, it can pass through. And it can pass through in a non-harming way and without really creating a lot of turbulence when we let it flow.
So when you dam it down and push it down, and refuse to acknowledge it, that’s when you create those eruptions and that unconscious expression.
So how do we do it consciously? There are a lot of ways, but we’ll share two that work for us here.
The first way is to turn and actually look at it. Instead of being scared of your anger, instead of pretending you're not angry, instead of denying the anger, stop and allow yourself to feel it. Then really allow yourself to feel valid in your anger, and allow yourself to feel it in your body.
What does it feel like? Where do you feel it?
All the things that are going on, allow yourself to really sit in anger just for a couple of moments and acknowledge it. Even just in that acknowledgement, you'll feel it start to move. If you add breathing to that acknowledgment (just take some nice deep breaths as you do it) the breath will help move the emotion as well, and clear it.
You just need to get to a point where you've released enough pressure off the top that it's not going to explode out of you. Your job is to release enough of it to let it flow so that it's not driving you and your actions.
And if this is uncomfortable, think of it like giving birth. It can be really intense, but when you can be with the intensity, and acknowledge it and feel it - there's some power and some magic in it. It's the same with your anger, when you can just be with it, sit with it. Even though it's something that may be feeling uncomfortable, there is some joy in that experience of allowing it to flow.
You don't have to get lost in it, and you don't have to wallow in it. But often we deny it, and that dams it. So don't deny it, turn around and just allow yourself to feel it and acknowledge it, it's there.
The second way to move anger through your body to ask yourself any of these three questions.
"If this anger had a sound, what would it be?"
And express that sound of the anger. When you ask yourself that question consciously, it's NOT going to be a yelling at your kids. It might be like a roar or a groan, a wail, a hiss, a bluuuuuaaaagh sound. The key is you're not making the sound at another person, you are just expressing the sound. Which is letting your anger have a voice from within.
"If this anger had a movement, what would it be?"
And that's where some people like to stamp or dance it out our shake it out, or shake their hands, or even go for a run around the house or something like that.
"How does this anger want to move?"
It might be to cry or to take a deep breath or to jump under the shower, or it might also be to express with some sound or some movement (in which case you can go to the other questions). Listen to your own body and do whatever works best for you.
Some people do express themselves more often verbally or physically. For you, there might be some more subtle ways. This is a practice of checking in with this anger, which is kind of a life force, it's moving. How does it want to express so it can move through you?
Ok, so the goal here was just to allow that anger to move through you. And that's the first step in raising your words, because you are raising your own energy and the space that you’re in by lifting yourself out of that anger and allowing that to flow enough that you can come at it from a different space.
3) Raise your words
So finally, "How do we raise our actual words that we're choosing to use?" And probably the easiest technique is to bring it back to what you're authentically feeling and needing.
So often when we feel the need to yell, there's a lot of, "You do this, you do that, you, you, you, you. Or I need you, you, you to do this." And you haven't gotten back to what you, yourself are feeling and needing.
Make it a practice to say "I'm feeling really xyz, and I need abc." And when you bring it back to that, people can hear you, your children can hear you.
When you yell, you're triggering your children, your triggering the fight or flight and the fear response in them. And that shuts down their ability to learn, that shuts down their ability to hear, and that shuts down their ability to connect with you. And if all those things are missing, your message is not going to get through and you'll yell more and more and more.
So, raise your words by being authentic and clear about what is going on for you. Take responsibility for and express what you're feeling and what you're needing.
When you really express your truth to them, when it's what's really moving for you, it's what's really there underneath all the words, that can come out very loudly that speaks louder than any yelling and in a way that is received.
Then they will feel it, no matter how old they are, children especially feel it. If it rings true, if you're speaking your authentic truth, it will land. Because it will feel true and that's where your words are raised. They're raised vibrationally, and when they're raised vibrationally, they actually speak louder than physically loud words.
And before you can be authentic with them, you first need to be authentic with yourself. So therefore it requires you take that space to check in with yourself, to really look at what's really going on for you? Underneath all the expectations, the projections, anything that is wanted to be blurted out. And having that space to tune into what's really going on for you and then sharing it.
So, the takeaway and the practice, unless one of the other points calls to you most - is when you feel the need to yell, raise your words by being authentic about what is going on for you. Say what you need, what you want and what you're feeling.