How to understand your child (and use this to create connection)

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So we've heard from a lot of mothers that they are having trouble understanding their children. That they're really puzzled as to why they do certain things, why they are acting in certain ways.

They're wanting to understand their children more, and they'd like to know how to do that.

 

We sat with that question and the first thing we want to share is that your children actually tell you all the time.

They tell you why they do what they do, how they do it, what they love, what they're passionate about and what they believe.

They give you all the answers to all those questions everyday.

 

But the thing is, most of the time when we're listening, we're not listening to understand each other.

We're cultured to listen either to agree or disagree. To put whatever they're saying or whoever they are into a particular box, based on what we know so far.

To say, "Oh no, that bit I don't agree with but yes, that bit I do agree with." And to compartmentalise them, to objectify them.

 

That judging spot of our brain is always judging, "Yes, No, True, False." It's always running when we're listening to people speaking.

And because we're busy doing that, we're actually missing out on understanding them as their own unique being and in all the things that are really mattering for them. 

 

So, the practice we're suggesting today is to listen to understand rather than listen to agree or disagree.

We're not saying that listening to agree or disagree is wrong, because sometimes it really has it's place. Sometimes when you're in conflict, it can be really helpful to tune in to, "What do I really agree with in what this person's saying" so you can find that bridge between you both but this is another way of listening that helps you to really understand your loved ones.

Their same words (that when you're listening to agree or disagree will tell you completely different things) will actually give you the answers to the questions that puzzle you about your child.

What they believe in,

what their opinions are on things,

what they're passionate about,

how they're feeling,

what they want,

what they need.

All of those things are coming up in their communication, and if you create your questions from this place, from that mindset of,

"What is this telling me about this person? What am I learning about this person through what they're saying?"

You'll learn to understand and get to know your children on a whole different level.

 

When enacting this practice, the energy we suggest you embody is the energy of wonder.

It's that place of wonder and curiosity. The same wonder you have when you see a particularly spectacular natural landmark for the first time, it's awe inspiring. You want to have that when you come to your child.

As soon as they start sharing something with you, ask yourself those questions,

What is this saying about them?

What matters to them right now?

What lights them up?

And just get curious, open up your mind and and heart and make it a wondrous study of who they are. 

 

The words they say, the thoughts they have, the perspectives they share all have the capacity to then create more wonder in you if you're open to it. If you come from that place of really seeing them, seeing their unique self in the present moment, because every moment is new and we all say, express and feel wondrous things in every moment.

You can see them if we're willing to- "Oh my!  This child thinks this, they have these thoughts and feel these things, they have this belief and they rationalise the world in this way"

 

Another part to this practice is to be really aware of what's your story as distinguished from their story.

Be aware of when you may be overlaying your story on top of your child.

If you're child is going through a challenging dynamic or a new situation,  we're often coming from a place of empathy and concern as to how they might have taken the disappointment or interpreted the situation.

What might they be feeling? How might I feel if that happened to me?

But, quite a lot of the time, that can actually trip us up, because we get it wrong and we overlay our story of how we would be feeling in that situation, and how we would be interpreting the turn of events.

 

If we're not careful, we can miss the opportunity to understand our children and where they're coming from, and thus be able to support them more fully, because we're overlaying our story and we're making assumptions that it's their story.

They must be feeling XYZ, because if it was me, I would be feeling all these sorts of those things and more

You can launch into your whole support speech, knowing what you're going to say and do to help them without actually understanding your child and what's real for them.

Check in before you assume that they're carrying the same story as you.

 

So, in essence, it's about being innocent and open to them, coming to them in this moment with the Intention to understand-

I don't know anything about them in this moment, and I want to receive it, I want to hear it, I want to understand it

Without bringing in everything else you judge, know and assume about them-

I fully want to hear this person and understand their world in this moment

 

And the by product of all this is that it will strengthen your connection ten fold with your child. So, go ahead, practice it and enjoy.