My daughter gifted me a practice

My (Lisa) daughter had an off day yesterday. She was moody, quick to snap at people and full of attitude. The result was she had had quite a lot of disagreements with different members of the family and was rubbing everyone the wrong way.

That night we lay in bed together, the children and I, as we settled in to go to sleep, listening to the rain on the roof.

I asked her

what was going on?
was something wrong?

She didn’t know. Well, she wasn’t sure how to articulate it and as I thought about that I realised that can often be a challenging question to answer. What’s going on? What’s wrong? So I switched tack.

We already had a quiet space, her brother was just quietly cuddling to my side. So I asked her something completely different.

I asked her “How can I support you at the moment honey?”
Is there something I could do that would help?

and then I simply waited and moved into an Intention of holding space.

Without getting us too far off on a tangent, holding space is about setting the Intention to really hear and receive another person. To create a space they can step into and feel truly heard. It is a space of safety and what often comes from it is amazing connection and healing

So I held space.

She then had answers. She then had words. She told me how she was feeling (which just a minute before she hadn’t been able to put into words), she told me what was feeling off and she answered my question.
she asked me to “Hear her side of the story first” before acting,

She went on to acknowledge that I did usually do this but obviously she was still feeling she needed this more.

Additionally she asked me to believe her more. She went on to retell a couple of stories where people (once time it was me) had chosen to believe Fynn over her because he was younger, or seemed to be the victim in the situation.

I acknowledged her, I continued to hold space for her and just listen and what was truly beautiful was so did her brother. He also lay quietly and just let her talk, he didn’t try to explain his side away, to justify, he just listened - he held space with me for her.

As she finished I could feel her relax.

So I moved to speaking my truth- and my truth was simply to apologise for my part in making her feel this way, sincere and authentic and to express gratitude to her for giving me suggestions on a path I could take to help shift this - she gave me my new practice.

My Intention now is to step into a place of holding space more, for her to feel heard by me.

My energy I will embody is love and non judgement

and my practice is To hear the story first from all sides and to have empathy for everyone, taking no sides - which ironically and humbling are both part of our mediation process and poster!

As I finished speaking my truth, Fynn surprised me by choosing to speak his truth. I was anticipating him wanting me to hold space while he told his side but thats not what happened.

Instead Fynn spoke to Maddie, he apologised to her, for not always telling the truth of a situation, for making her look like she was in the wrong.

My heart burst. Watching my youngest hold space for my oldest, and then when he did speak, choose to apologise for his part, was beautiful and amazing.

Our children even as young as 5 (and I would argue for many children even younger) can hold space for another person, especially if they are supported to do so, and if they have had space held for them, and they can speak their truth, own their own stuff and apologise free from coercion.

My Intention that evening, as we lay in bed listening to the rain, was to support and reach out to my daughter. To find out what was going on and what she needed to feel better (I believe behaviour is a form of communication)... and To create reconnection between her and me.

I achieved that but we achieved more because my children also reconnected, my daughter felt heard, and importantly received by both myself and her brother.

The result today is my children are calmer, are communicating more clearly with each other and are less reactive because they feel their side will felt heard.

One conversation is not a miracle solution. There will be plenty of times in the future when arguments happen, when disagreements occur.

But all these moments, all these conversations add up and compound on each other, they build and flow together to form bonds and relationships between all involved.

It is all these moments that pave the way when future conflicts occur, building trust, connection, faith and good will.

We will enjoy the day, I will commit to my new practice for this week, and I plan to bring this new approach to finding a practice to our inner coaching circle this week.

Who in your family feels the most disconnected from you? Feels the most unhappy, the most angry, the most difficult?

Seek them out, create a little time (my conversation above took about 10-15mins)

and be in a fairly relaxed space - you want to be able to really hold space for them.

Instead of asking them what’s wrong? Ask them

How can I support you at the moment?
Is there something I could do that would help?

Then hold space for them. Let them speak their truth with the intention only to really receive them, to hear them.

Then take their answer and make it your practice for this week. Commit to it,

If you want more information on understanding the power and process of the practice you can read about it here. If you want to more information on claiming and working a practice you can read about that here.

Until next time, enjoy your precious connections!