Putting the CONSCIOUS back in Conscious Parenting

The terms conscious parenting and conscious communication are fairly common terms in the circles of parenting that we move in. We’ve noticed that there is often more emphasis put on the second part of each phrase - ie the parenting and communication and less on the actual experience of being conscious.

The conscious part of the terms is really where the power is. It’s what needs to come first: You can’t practice conscious communication or conscious parenting if you aren’t first conscious.

What we see are lots of discussions, conscious discussions, around the issue of parenting or communicating in the family - out of the moment.

That can be really helpful; it expands the mind, gives you a bank of solutions to experiment with, and practices to claim (more on claiming practices HERE and HERE). But there is another kind of consciousness, a kind that is crucial and necessary.

In-the-moment consciousness.

In the heat of the moment, in the context of that day, that hour, that last 10mins, this very present moment.

How do we reach consciousness then?

This can be such a frustrating thing for a mother. To not be showing up as the mother you most want to be - in the moment. You know, those many times, when how you intend to parent and what you actually do don’t line up.

This lack of congruence in the moment (lack of consciousness in the moment) leads to frustration, self judgment, guilt, shame and beating yourself up. All rampant in motherhood these days.

It also puts the brakes on our conscious parenting and our conscious communication. If you can’t get to consciousness in the moment then none of those great strategies and ideas can come to mind.

You must be able to reach consciousness in the moment, to practice conscious parenting or conscious communication in the moment.

In the moment is where it happens.

So, what does consciousness give us?

Once you are conscious of something in the moment, conscious; of yourself, your Intention, your breath or just the moment itself...
Then you have flipped the switch (even if it’s just briefly) into a place of conscious choice.

That precious window where you are in a position to actually choose how you want to respond, how you want to show up - in the very next moment.

Consciousness in the moment allows you to reconnect with your Intentions and values.
So your next choice can come from your Truth rather than from your reactions, your conditioning, your fears and your judgements.
So you can align each action more and more with your Intentions for how you want to show up as a mother.

So, how can we become conscious in the moment?

There are many, many ways :-)

One way that Kaya and I use a lot, as both mothers and as coaches, is to ask a question.

A question is a powerful pattern interrupt because the brain can rarely ignore a question. It focuses the brain on something specific and intentional.

We combine this with a skill called tracking.

At its most basic, tracking is tuning in and being aware of what’s going on inside you by asking yourself

What am I feeling? and given that,
What am I needing?

This gives you access to important information about yourself. What’s really moving within you? Are you tired? hungry? overwhelmed? angry? sad? Do you need a little less noise? The chance to sit down? To be heard? Some time out?  Lunch? Your favourite drink? A change of scene?

When you know this information about yourself then you can factor it into the equation. You are now aware of what you’re feeling and needing so you can take action on it.

But even more importantly and more immediately...

By being conscious of your feelings and needs you are no longer controlled by them.
When your feelings and needs are screaming to you and you aren’t aware of them then they take over and control your reactions.
But when you are aware of them you are in control... You are in conscious choice.

Another powerful in the moment question to ask yourself is...

What is my Intention for this moment?

When you reach for the basic essence of what you want for this very moment then all else can flow more naturally, spontaneously and authentically from your Intention. You are creating congruence between your Intention, your energy, your body language, your words and your actions.

Congruence is important if you want to be truly heard and received. If your words are saying one thing but your body language or your energy is saying another then your message is compromised.

The second level to this is to be congruent between your own personal core values and principles as a mother, and the words and actions that you actually do and say in-the-moment.

This level of congruence is often a holy grail for mothers and a source of incredible frustration when it isn’t reached. It’s a primary principle that Kaya and I work on with clients at all levels in our work.

So, asking yourself any of these short questions is simple yet profound, it brings your congruency, and it brings you into a moment of consciousness... It gives you that magic window of conscious choice to take action upon.

Every blog post we give you a take away practice that you can bring into your life today to anchor the message of the post into your experience of Motherhood.

Which one of these questions most resonates for you:

What am I feeling and given that what am I needing?

What is my intention in this moment?
Which one do you feel you could bring into the moment so you can flip that consciousness switch?

Share which one you are going to ask yourself in as many moments as you remember - in the comments below

and

Make this your practice this week!!!

Ask yourself the question you choose, in the morning, when you are making dinner or going to the toilet (pick a daily occurrence and add this practice on to the end of it).

In any moments of overwhelm or conflict: Just remember this one practice - to ask yourself your powerful question.

Set the Intention that you be open to this question coming into your awareness all week.

Set an alarm on your phone for a few times in the day to remind you to tune in and ask yourself your powerful question.

For more tips, ideas and discussion around claiming and working a practice: see the last 2 posts HERE and HERE.

Love,