What to do when your partner's in conflict with your child

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When we were creating our mediation process (found in the RTR course and the Conscious Mama’s Communication Kit), we discovered how different the dynamic is when your partner is in conflict with your child (compared to when children are in conflict with each other).

It brought up a big discussion for us on all that can come up for you (and in your relationship) when your partner and your child are in conflict. We discussed our roles in that as the mother and partner and how best to bring ourselves into the situation and that's the topic for this episode.

We’re going to talk about three key practices here, with the aim to keep it as short as possible. These practices as concepts are not confined to situations involving your partner, but they seem to come up every time your partner is involved so they’re extremely relevant.

 

1) The first concept that we want to talk about is "Mama Bear"

When we first began talking about this to women in our programs they identified so strongly with it, they could see mama bear rising within themselves often.

Mama Bear is that part in you that rises up, instinctually to protect your child. She is ancient, from the reptilian part of your brain - that "fight or flight" centre.  Mama Bear says (sometimes very loudly) ‘I need to protect, I need to defend, I need to rise up and protect my children, I've perceived they're being harmed in some way.’ She’s the protector who holds her children and keeps them safe as they grow.

She's in every mother and for some mothers she's extremely strong and present. She can make us quite over protective mothers- coming from a space of wanting to protect and keep our children in a safe space.

Now, Mama Bear is relevant, and she's vital- you want to have her within you. However, she makes no distinctions and can sometime cause more trouble than protection.

She isn’t a part of your conscious processing or your ability to be self aware and make choices from that place. She will rise up instinctually at any perceived threat, she may often rises up before you consciously made any choices around the situation.  Mama Bear can rise up and take over.

We have found that she rises up OFTEN if your partner is in conflict with your children and your children seem to be in distress (and that’s why we’re bringing her into this episode). She can also rise up if another child is in conflict with your child, and your child seems to be hurt or in distress, she can also rise up between two mothers if a mother perceives another mother to be criticising her child in some way- Even between the closest of friends, Mama Bear can rise (that has happened between us, both our Mama Bear’s have risen to defend against each other).

So, Mama Bear can rise and your job is to be aware of her. Be aware that she exists and that she's a valid part of you.

From there you can have choice, have discernment about whether Mama Bear is truly needed in the moment.

Realistically, our children aren't in that much danger a lot of the time. Mama Bear comes from prehistoric times, the instinct is still the same but in most places around the world today, our children are not in danger of being killed on a daily basis.

 We still have the same instinct but the threat is no longer the same- So we need to be aware of what's really going on. Mama Bear does not make distinctions between your partner and a man-eating tiger.  It's all the same to her but in reality, a lot of the time, she's not needed when your partner is in conflict with your child. She's not needed even though she comes up and she can feel very believable.

So, the first thing to do about Mama Bear is-

• Be aware that she exists within you

• Acknowledge that she is a valid part of you (and may currently be a really strong, influential and quick to rise part of you)

• Take some breaths and observe her

• Evaluate consciously whether the threat is real or in proportion to the reaction of Mama Bear

 

Then it’s important to acknowledge her concerns, to actually communicate with her. We know she is a part of you (and it may seem a little strange to talk to yourself) but it’s important to acknowledge the parts of you that you choose to quieten because otherwise they will continue to rise unconsciously.

You can internally say something like, "Okay, I feel this part within me, I feel the need to protect, "

Breathe through it and say something like, "I see that, I see that, and I see that you want to keep my child safe, that’s a good thing and I thank you."  

Once she's acknowledged she'll die down in intensity and urgency.

 

The other two things we’ll introduce are more relational practices for you to share with your partner outside of the moments of conflict, about the potential conflicts that can arise so that you have more resources at hand when your partner and child are in conflict and when Mama Bear starts to rise.

 

2) Understand your partner’s greatest intentions and values as a parent

 

In the heat of the moment (when Mama Bear has risen) it can be pretty easy to just look at them and think, "they don't care about my child. I need to step in and make sure the child's safe."

It can seem like they're not doing anything right and that their intention must be this or that or that or this. This will be far from accurate and often, really unreasonable as you’ll see when you stop to look at it.

 

Even just being reminded of the fact that - when you are disconnected, when you're stressed out and you're out of alignment with the way that you truly want to parent (and don’t trust your needs will get met), you say and do things that you wish you didn’t say or do to your children.

Be aware that it’s the same for your partner- They it do it in their way and you do it in your way, but you are both doing it.

When they may be yelling at your child or creating an ultimatum, scaring them, threatening them or manipulating them it’s not because that's their greatest intention as a parent, obviously. It’s because they're not in alignment with their values and their intentions, and they're stressed out and not getting their needs met.

 

So, have that conversation with your partner where you get clear on their greatest intentions as a parent, the ones that are moving for them, the ones that express the love they feel for the children.

If you were fully in control and you had all the choice in the world, when you're in relation to our child, how would you most want to show up?  

What's really important to you in your relationship with our child?

How do you really want your relationship with the children to be?

What's your greatest wish as a parent?  

What's the strongest values you want to impart?  

What's your greatest needs in our family at the moment?

What do you most wants to bring to the family when you’re in a great space, if you could access it in the moment?

What are you most wanting to bring into our family?  

And really hear them, don’t interrupt, let them speak, let them pause and take their time.

Hear their greatest intentions (they're going to be far from those things that you're reacting to, when Mama Bear is rising). It’s not about listening to see if you agree or not (you won’t always agree), it’s about being present as they share their truth when they are coming from love.

And then share yours with them as well, you'll find common themes and differences (and both are needed in a healthy partnership- check out the episode on the different gifts in your partner’s parenting) and you will undoubtedly feel more connected and trusting of your partner.

If you are finding it hard to have a conversation like this remember that the intentions are the things underneath, the driving forces below the actions. Aim to understand them deeper if you become triggered by something they say.

If you’re thinking ‘I don't really get that intention, why would you want that?’

Then have a look for what's under it-

‘What does having our children do that serve for you?’

What might initially be the intention for them to have a bath every night no matter what - could be to teach that experience of inner authority or to keeping a rhythm within the family and the children, and they will also have intentions to care for the children’s emotional well being and let them know they are loved and safe.

Then, in the heat of the moment, they may not quite be connecting with what’s really important to them. Just like what happens to you, in the heat of the moment when you lose it

Understanding their intentions and their needs, focusing on them, being aware of them, means that when your partner is in conflict with your child your intention is to support them to come back to those values and those intentions for parenting, to remind them of what’s true for them.

3) Create agreements with your partner on how and when you intervene

 

We also want to talk about another thing to do out of those moments of conflict and that's creating agreements for how and when you do step in and play an active role in a conflict between your partner and your child.

Sometimes, even coming in and reminding them of what's really important to them might not be appropriate. There’ll be times when they might need to work out the conflict themselves, just your partner and your child. It might be really important for them to work on their relationship without you.

It’s important to have another conversation to create clear agreements based on what both of you need in those situations. What they need from you when they are in different types of conflict with the children and what you need in order to support them or either butt out (and have the conversation for when you are in conflict with the children as well).

We have actually created a process and poster guiding you through this process, you can access it here-

http://ridingtheturbulentriver.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Agreements-as-partners-activity.pdf

Once that conversation has been had, it's easier to accept them and trust them however they are communicating in the moment.

As an example, my (Lisa’s) partner made an agreement with me where he said-

‘I would love for you to remind me to ask myself, 'What's my part in this?’'

And I agreed. That was an agreement that we made out of the moment, a while ago.

Then the next time he was losing his cool at our children I said to him-

‘Mike, you might wanna ask yourself  'what's your part in this?’'

At first, he got really angry (and admittedly, I could have said it in a different tone) but then, when I reminded him that he asked me to say that to him he remembered and everything shifted because he had made a request of me and I enacted the request. So having the conversation out of the moment allowed us to work through it in the moment.

 

In that conversation you can talk about all sorts of things- what you want each other to say, when you want each other to say it, bring up different possible scenarios, eg:

-‘Unless I ask you to butt in, I would like you to not butt in’

-‘I can do that in these situations___ but if our child asks me to help then I want to.’

- ‘Can you ask me and I will let you know when it is a situation that I would like to work through with the child, and I would like some trust in that’

- ‘Yes and these are some exceptions to that where I know that I will need to bring my voice in’

- ‘Ok, these are the ways I would prefer you to bring your voice in in those situations’

etc etc

And you continue down that vein of conversation until you get really clear on your roles in the different situations from this place of conscious intention and conscious choice so that in the moment you have a structure, a set of agreements, that feel okay to you. You have language that you've agreed on that you can use.

 

And combined with the other practice we shared around knowing your partner’s greatest intentions and needs. Your role becomes a role in partnership with your partner (while still honouring the partnership you share with your child).

Then you really do play a strong supporting role because you're supporting them to come back to conscious choice and back to their heart's intention. And you're not actually trying to change them, you're just reminding them of something that's important to them. So they will be far less reactive and defensive.

 

Recap

 

1. When your partner's in conflict with your child, Mama Bear can come up.

Be aware of her, acknowledge her and assess whether she is really needed in the situation.

 

2. Have a conversation (out of the moment) with your partner about what their greatest intentions for parenting are and share yours with them.

When you're in that really connected space. When anything's possible, how do both of you really want to relate with the children?

 

3. Have another conversation about how you can support them, when they're in conflict with your child. The things that you can say, when you can say it -ways that work for BOTH of you.

Come to a place where you can confidently say- ‘I can step back because we've talked about what I need to do that’ AND ‘I want to step in, this is how we agreed I would do that’.

 

 

So give that a go, whichever parts are most needed for you, you'll know. And let us know how it goes, send us an email anytime or contact us on facebook.

And, if this is a topic that is very relevant for you, you might want to check out our new coaching program all about your relationship with your partner-

its here: http://mothersawakening.com/partners-program

 

Love Lisa and Kaya

xx