Why some days I'm a terrible mother

Download the Free Audio Podcast of this Episode on iTunes

Full Transcript

So we all have those days when we feel like a shit, terrible mother.  And we're parenting way out of integrity with our values.  It happens to everyone.

Ok, so what's going on here when you're having these days, is nearly always a conflict between your needs and your values, and that lack of congruency is creating all sorts of trouble in your day.

And the thing is, we all have these core needs, no matter how enlightened anyone is, human core, messy needs drive us.   Like the need to feel secure, the need to have excitement or variety in life, or the need to feel loved, feel intimacy on all the different levels.

There are a lot of models out there for needs, but the basic principle is that we all have driving needs.  Every human being, be it your child or yourself, everyone has driving core sets of needs.  And these needs need to be met.

They're needs for a reason. And the needs are often ego driven. Now, ego gets a bit of a bad rap and we don't mean it in a bad way.  Your ego's job is to protect you, keep you safe, to help you feel like you can function.

So these needs are core drives within us.  And at the end of the day, your needs will trump your values.

Your values are those things that are so important to you that when you're living them, you feel in alignment, you feel like, "I am a good mother." And your values are more likely to be what we call, "Soul driven."

So, when you get into conflict between a soul drive and an ego drive, or when you get into conflict with a need and a value, your need will actually trump your value.  Meaning that you’ll instinctively try to get your need met - "I must meet this need, I must meet this need."  Even if it completely goes against your values to do so.

And that's why we end up doing those things that make you go, "Wow, why did I yell at my child again when I know it doesn't serve me?"  It's because in some way, it feels like it's meeting a need, or it's the way that you have been programmed to believe that that need will get met.

 From that fight or flight, panic space of, "This need needs to get met, nothing else matters right now."  You will do all those things that feel out of alignment because the needs are so important, they're instinctual.

Here's an example which many of you can probably relate to.

Spending way too much time on Facebook in the middle of the day, and not engaging with your children.

What's going on there?  What need are you trying to meet?

For most, it's a fundamental need for connection, usually with other mothers.

That drive for connection, no matter how much you’re thinking, "I should be engaging with my children, I should be sitting on the floor playing with them" wins out. The need for you to keep getting on Facebook and seeing what's happening keeps overriding your value.

And it might not just be your need for connection that keeps pulling you back to Facebook. You could say, "I can connect with my kids,” but there's also the needs for more stimulation and for significance. To feel like there's something greater than you as a mum right now with your kids.  To feel a part of something bigger.  All those needs are so important.

So the challenge today is to meet those needs in ways that are in alignment with your values.

As conscious mothers, the task is to get clear on your values and then work out ways to meet your needs that are in alignment with those values.

When you are meeting them, in alignment with your values, then you're replacing those old ways of being.  You are far less likely to do those things that make it mean you're a terrible mother because you are addressing the needs underneath the actions.

Just sit and reflect for a second, take a breath and pick a word, a value that represents what's really important to you as a mother.

A fundamental value that you have, that you hold around being a good mother.  There's lots of them, you've got many, but allow one to come to the surface for now.

 That's your value and let's call that "your sacred word."

Now, when you're in these situations where you're feeling like you're parenting terribly, where you're just, "Whoa, if anyone could see me now, I'd be so ashamed.” Those type of moments...

You want to go through this process:

 1) stop and take a breath

A breath is important, it gives you some space from your busy mind and calms you down.

2) Ask yourself, "What need am I trying to meet here?”

What is the need that's driving me in this moment?"

There are a lot of models for human needs, and you might know some, you might not.  It's not necessary to follow any of them, what’s important is to ask "What do I need right now?"

 3) Ask yourself "How can I achieve this need?”

“How can I meet this need whilst staying in alignment with my sacred word?"

Once you know the need you’re trying to meet, how can you meet it whilst staying in alignment with your sacred word, the one you’ve just picked? (your intention or your value).

Be open to finding a win/win because quite often, there will actually be a way where you can fulfil the value and meet the need at the same time.  When you're conscious and you're aware that that's what you're trying to achieve.

And that becomes your practice

1) Stop and take a breath

2) Ask yourself, "What need am I trying to meet here?”

3) Ask yourself "How can I meet this need in alignment with my Sacred Word?”

The more and more you do that, the more you'll find it's easier to fall into alignment with being the mother that you want to be and showing up how you want to show up, because you're meeting your needs at the same time.