You can't ever fail as a parent!

conflict resolution connection parenting conscious communication conscious parenting holding space speaking your truth May 31, 2021

You have not failed in any way as a parent!
Whether your children are 3 months, 3 years, 13... 33 (or even older).
Its never too late to reconnect with them and support their healthy sense of self.

You haven't ever missed the boat... there isn't actually a boat to miss.

Everyone reminds us that pretty much all our 'stuff', all our insecurities, our self worth issues and our unhealthy patterns originate in the first few years of life.

While this is true- at that very young age, emotional patterns are set up and set into motion in response to particular relational events that were on various scales of traumatic for the child...

It is NOT true that once children pass that age, some golden opportunity is lost and you have failed somewhat as a parent.

I (Kaya) noticed a belief in me that went something like this- 'I didn't master the art of conscious parenting when my children were both under 7, and now we're stuck with all these challenging dynamics between us because of that!... next time around (if I have more children) I'll make sure that I won't screw it up!'

Connected to that belief was another that says 'They'll have to wait until they're adults and then begin the path of healing their baggage I gave them and peeling back all the layers!'

And connected to both those beliefs were feelings of guilt and shame...
especially when I would then continue to fall into patterns of conflict and disconnection with my children (even when I knew how not to)...
Especially when I read all right the books while pregnant and parenting babies and had all the intentions to parent consciously, gently and lovingly!
And when I judge that I've fallen short of my expectations.

I know from talking with and coaching many other mothers that I haven't been alone in holding these beliefs and these feelings of guilt and shame.

As mothers, we place so much pressure on ourselves to have it all sorted out before our children are born, or even before they're conceived (or at least before they turn 3... or 7) so that we don't give them all the baggage we accumulated as children... so we don't mess them up.

And here's 3 secrets I have come to learn, 3 secrets that are more important to soak into your bones than any parenting technique out there...

1) You could not have been completely ready to be the mother you most wanted to be until you were the mother you are.

Birthing your children was also a birth of the mother within you and you are growing and learning along side your children. Nothing else could have prepared you for conscious parenting other than to practice parenting (and making many mistakes along the way) with the intention to learn and grow in the process.

2) No-one is ever calm, unconditionally loving, patient, gentle and caring all of the time.

No matter how much work you've done to get there, no matter how much you've read, how often you've meditated or how far down a spiritual path you've gone. You are human and humans feel all sorts of emotions, get lost in them at times and become enmeshed in all sorts of relational dynamics, it is not realistic to expect yourself to avoid them....

AND

3) You wouldn't really want to avoid the imperfections anyway!

While you have the wonderful and beautiful desire to lessen the negative impact you have on your children, none of the 'stuff' is really as terrible and irreversible as you believe it to be and all the 'stuff' you've passed onto your children is creative material for so much learning and growing in their lives.

I am not excusing abuse and suggesting anyone purposely do something to harm a child in order to give them creative material for growth but I am reminding you that no-one would be the full and richly diverse person they are today without all the experiences they have had and that includes the contrast and the pain, the healing, the growth and the transformation.

EVERY experience holds blessings within it and I am sure that you can find gifts you are grateful for within every challenging or traumatic experience you had as a child... And if you really, truly had the choice to go back over and experience it all again, you would probably choose not to change anything because you wouldn't be who you are today without all of it.

So... firstly, give yourself a break! You're doing great!! Truly, you are!!

Forgive yourself and remember that you are also parenting your own inner child alongside your actual children. Everything you know your children need from you, your own inner child needs too.

Just as it's never too late to reconnect with your children and support their healthy sense of self, its never to late to give that to your child within as well (and it is the child within you who is triggered, who is in conflict with your children and who is passing the 'stuff' onto them).

You'll be taking yourself around in circles if you keep making yourself wrong for the 'parenting mistakes' you are enacting. Judging your actions is the surest way to keep them happening.

Just as your children need your love, forgiveness and reconnection... THE CHILD WITHIN YOU NEEDS THAT TOO. You can heal 'stuff' that's been with you since the first few years of your life by parenting yourself in the ways you want to parent your children.

And... secondly, let go of the idea that if your children aren't babies anymore (and you've made too many mistakes), you've missed an opportunity and created a dynamic that is now too hard to undo.

There was no opportunity to miss, every child will accumulate emotional 'stuff' in those first few years of life and there is never a time in their life when the potential for reconnection is out of reach.

EVERY SINGLE MOMENT IS A NEW MOMENT IN WHICH ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...
every single moment is an opportunity to begin again and start something new (and you have a thousand, million second chances... and then more still).

You can shift patterns right now, in this very moment, simply by choosing to shift your relationship with yourself and show up even slightly differently with your children. It doesn't matter what you did yesterday, last week, or a few minutes ago. This next moment is what matters.

You can go to your child today (who you may have yelled at yesterday, and the day before)... if she gets angry, or she breaks something or hurts someone, you can get down on her level and let her know that it is ok to feel angry and it is understandable that she does. You can hold loving space for her and validate her feelings even if you have forgotten to do that so many times before and you will be reconnecting and healing with her right in that moment.

AND, you can go to your own inner child today (who may have yelled and screamed and chucked an embarrassing tantrum at your children for the enth day in a row) and get down on her level and let her know that it is ok to feel angry and it is understandable that she does. You can hold loving space for her and validate her feelings and you will be healing and reconnecting with her AND your own children right in that moment.

Whatever your child is feeling and whatever you are feeling and however either of you are expressing those feelings...
you can choose to come back into consciousness and love in any new moment and the reconnection you will be forging is powerful and real no matter their age and no matter your history.

So much love and appreciation to you and your children, wise woman
- and you really are worthy of it!!

Love Kaya

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and one more thing... Our Invitation To You

If you are ready to awaken more of your power and fullness as a mother and a woman (because it is already within you).. then book in for a FREE Goddess reawakening session with Lisa or I. We'll explore and discover the next steps you uniquely need to take to thrive in your experience of motherhood (and to share that thriving with your children).

Our work is fun and expansive and also deep, healing and transformational. It is only for you if you are really ready to step way more into your own divine power (and if you are you'll feel it in your bones and we would be honoured to meet with you!)